and the beat goes on...

just did a 12 & half hour shift at work , exhausted. sitting here watching law&order:svu , on fb , feeding amani & typing this lol. i cannot wait to feel my bed =)

a lot on the noggin...

i mentioned in a previous post (love is blind) a friend who was going through a lot with her boyfriend. ever since she returned from florida she was back to staying with him , she said things were ok..not great but ok. i can't even begin to comprehend why she would even return to the situation =( but she did..&& friday night i got a phone call & once again he put his hands on her. busted her nose up..went to the house there was blood all over her face , shirt , the bed , floor , pillows basically the whole fucking room. i swear my heart broke , how can she take this if i can't take it & its not even ME! i was proud of her this time because she actually called the cops & got him arrested , which is what his ass needed. we went to the police station & they took pics & whatnot but charges couldn't be pressed until monday morning. the entire weekend he called collect & she put up the front about not caring & wanting to press charges on him. his sister bailed him out on sunday evening & he blew her phone up...& then it all went south =( ...monday morning ma&i were going to accompany her to the courthouse to proceed with whatever need to be done...but she told us she didn't need us to go & that she was also going to see him first. i can't for the life of me understand why??? & it makes me soooooo upset. anywho , didn't hear from here all day monday til she came home...come to find out she never made it to the courthouse =( decided not to go forth with the charges. she believes he has changed. she is currently searching for apartments for them to move into. i'm taking this whole issue personally because i know she deserves so much better. it hurts inside because i can't make her realize that he is what she needs. i feel like a parent that has failed with her child. what more has to happen for her to want out?? she sat & told me that she fears for her life. well that makes two of us. i am praying long & hard that i don't get a phone saying i have lost a friend. damn.

nothing in my life compares to this right now , i think about it all day.some say i have to understand that i can't save everyone & i can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. ugh.

this year has came & went very quickly. i know it isn't over but it might as well be , everything was rocky at first but i don't really have to many complaints now =) except for the ongoing "single" issue lol but its cool blahhh.

omg...STARTING ALL OVER - JEREMIH. love l o v e LOVE it...mentioned a quote from it on my away message yesterday & oh gosh did i get a lot of feedback from all males!! why yall care if i'm in love?? evidently we are uninvolved for a reason YOU!! smh these guys nowadays.

it is sooo past my bedtime & once again i haven't completed my thoughts =/ later my loves.

never almost had you...

lesson learned....

i probably listened to that song (by alicia keys) about 50 times today. it hit the spot...like really.


its been a while...& boy oh boy do i have a lot to say lol. lets see if i can make some long stories short , plus i'm kind of tired. everything w. me is coooooool. goodtimes..goodmoods. it is when i try to take on the issues of others that things get rocky , sigh yall know me..always trying to help out smh.
but umm..
- work is great...putting in hella hours , co-workers cool as hell..they make my day go faster=D
- home life is good...no complaints just wish leroy cooked rice w. the damn food sheesh!! & ma&mani have been here all week=)
- love life is blahh&dry as usual lmao still not involved w. anyone , but its cool..i'll know when i'm ready. i'm working on me (for now , i ain't tryna have these cold sheets all winter hehe)
- friends..hmph that is a touchy subject at the moment , these broads are crazy!! (yall know who yall are)

sooo i got tattoo number 5 last weekend=) my birthday in roman numerals across my shoulder. pain wasn't bad at all..only hurt right on my shoulder bone.

hmm , my phone is pretty quiet today , but shh!! let me not jinx it.

yall probably already noticed..but i'm backtoblack!! & long lol. wanted a change , i like it. but yall know how that goes smh it will be totally different soon. i dyed&permed my hair in the same night...i know I KNOW , i'm losing my damn mind. but so far so good , nothing fell out haha. & then i went to go see chris rock's new movie 'goodhair' made me never want to perm my hair EVER AGAIN but the chances of that happening are slim =)


mymani&i watching some tv =D
omg i love this little girl!! it makes no sense.

soca party at spc , goodtimes.
danced right out of my clothes!! lol just kidding.
but my damn shirt/skirt kept falling off lol talk about a wardrobe malfunction.these two BROADS next to me annoy every fiber of my being!! but i love them. would do anything for them. but i'm ready to kill them. they breakup to makeup tooooo much. & i don't like to see friendships end when they can be salvaged. especially when the beef is petty. so now these two jerks are talking. so now i'm not caught in the middle , which is ALWAYS my postion when it comes to their beef. but on another note i feel like i'm losing another person i felt was my friend & was cool because of a very awkward&bad situation. i will definitely still speak to her but it is wayyy different now because our common link (ness) is gone. still love you mnb=) holla if ya need me lol.
but as far as lessons i have learned goes..hmph. i can't take on my friends burdens. not gonna happen anymore. NO WAY. because when shit goes south my phone is ringing of the hook & i'm tired of it. i definitely DO NOT feel appreciated for the things i do for some people & now i won't do them. i love my friends but if this ends our relationship then its cool because honestly..i don't need it. i am sooo not trying to sound like a bitch but i can't take it anymore. statements like "nikki only does things on her time" linger in the back of mind when that is HARDLY ever the fucking case. but it is now...MYTIME it is.


TIRED...TO BE CONTINUED...

and i don't want to hit rock bottom. . .bottom line.

SUNday MORNING.

had a great weekend. hung out w. the unusual suspects , rather then my usuals lol. got out of work very early on friday & hung out w. mooda&ma ALLDAY. that right there just made my weekend because i missed them soooooooo much. two months tomorrow. she was cranky though cuz she got some shots , so i didn't get to see any gummie smiles =[ ...yesterday afternoon i hung out w. leroy&pam , they a trip. leroy thinks pam is cheating on him , hmph..as if it wouldn't be justified. but it was hilarious to hear them throw little comments back & forth. & yesterday night was devoted to my babymomz!!! omg i missed her sooo much , that is the easiest person to talk to EVER. used to be inseparable , we need to do that more often.

sooo today is r&r , yall know i need my 'me time' =D just ate some breakfast & its sooooo nice out so i'm sitting on the balcony. thinking about how things are changing quickly & i love it. feels good to be getting my life back in order , i'm happy. yes , progress.

disappointed about my friend because she didn't stay in florida. but all i can do is be there & be supportive for her decisions.

the mo'nique show starts tomorrow , i'm in there lol. & i have yet to see thehills or thecity smh.

but things just get so crazy , living life gets hard to do
and i would gladly hit the road , get up and go if i knew
that someday it would lead me back to you.
-maroon5 , sundaymorning.

baked ziti , 2 cupcakes , chocolate milk & theraflu makes nik a happy camper =] sitting in my room going in. i still have a lot of ziti left & i gave some away already lol help. my laundry needs to be done , as usual. any volunteers?? didn't get back to a lot of people today, if you are reading this..sorry about that. still love yous. i want to go see ma&amani , really bad...guess i'll take the trip. feels weird asking to though smh.

anyway , got a message that he misses me & still loves me. ness&i had a good laugh at that one.

it has been two years yesterday since pam find out that she had cancer..according to her doctor she is doing great =D she wasn't supposed to be here with us this long. talk about a blessing. so she is in my prayers & hopefully she will continue going at this good pace.

upset i missed thecity & thehills , gotta catch a rerun. missing a lot of tv lately.

ghostface album is good..need to put it on my ipod along with a shitload of other stuff. can't believe i lost all my songs =[

well..all the food is gone so i'm gonna go dream. nighty night. ecstatic i get 3 extra hours of sleep.

DOWN ASS BITCH.

INSPIRED BY CAMERAWHORE.

who doesn't want or need a downassbitch by their side?? or for guys , downassnigga. whether male or female ; friendship or relationship wise...everyone wants someone(s) who is going to be there whenever you need them , when it is all good or all bad. 'sometimers' are not tolerated in these parts. what is your role?? are you casted as an extra or a lead?? get down or lay down man lmfao.

some of yall got me fucked up..nik is NOT materialistic smh. hmph..random , i know but it came up in conversation.


nae says i'm lonely lmao & i am. but that is ok..for now. me , myself & i..loving it.


i'm happy..like really in a good mood.

had a good day =D did 13 hours & work..somehow i managed not to be a cranky mess afterwards. my male co-workers are HILARIOUS lol we have the best conversations. somehow i managed to be the only chick today smh. a mess...i got two "let's kick it & keep it between us" offers today lol blahhh not even. more importantly BAKED ZITI yummy. & it'll taste even better for lunch tomorrow.

thought these pictures were cute lol

i have A L O T of running around to do on my next day off smh. but i really want to go out , haven't been out in about a month. time to shake my ass lol. i have a lot of pent up ummm tension (guess that is a good word for it) i be out with them boxes at work with all this 'energy'. haha. oh yes , i want some negril soooooo bad.

anywho , time to knockout. 530am wakeup call.

unfinished business , should i settle it??

thinking that my gap is getting bigger lol..
but anywho , i'm gonna smile because i deserve to =D


yes , i know the process has so much stress..
but it's the progress that feels the BEST.

changing faces.

haven't posted a pic in a while..& my phone is allllll the way on the other side of the room so i'll post some tomorrow.

i think i'm tired..got up for work at 5am so i guess i am. but i tried to nap & couldn't sleep.

i'm waiting on rina to get here..her&i need to catch up. she is busy with school&work & i'm busy with work&sleep. i need to adjust myself to this schedule because i'm definitely not a morning person. but work is cool..its doing nothing but getting easier. grasped all the basic concepts & getting it done faster everyday. my only issue was finding a comfortable pair of shoes to wear lol. tried my blazer boots BIG NO-NO , then a pair of dunks UGH , then today i tried some airmax97s PERFECTO!! felt like i was walking on clouds lol so i have like 4 or 5 pairs of those so i should be fine =]

also waiting on dg&mnb , they went to pacha in the city..gotta pick them up from the square later.

i haven't watched tv in forever..strange. turned it on yesterday to watch jay-z on oprah & that was it since sunday afternoon.

i feel different but i don't know what it is can't really put my finger on it..not bad , just different. i'm in a good mood though.

found this HILARIOUS..dude i work with tells me allll about his situation 2 kids by 2 different females..he is still involved with both. 1 chick he feels is unappreciative but loves her & lives with her & 1 child & the other is 'perfect' she a freak , cooks , cleans , rubs his back blah blahh..yanno all that good stuff but she has a new dude who lives there with her & my co-workers' other child. (hope i haven't confused you) so while her new man away for 3 days&nights at work my co-worker plays house with her. so he wants his main chick (the one he is living with) to appreciate him & the things he does more & then he feels that he can let go of the other babymother & just deal solely with the child. so i'm just standing there doing my work thinking number 1 why the hell are you telling me this & number 2 well damn you are a busy man lol so he asks me my situation..i'm like nucca it ain't NO WHERE near as complex as yours! in fact it is very simple i am involved with no one. he like word i'm like yup. so he brings it back up later on the train (which he never takes so idk why he started today) & tells me i should get involved with him..i'm not even gonna say anymore yall should know me well enough. oh yes i almost forgot..this man is 30 smh. i quit.

i look c r a z y lol but i love myMANI =]

so it is now 7am..enjoyed my night played catchup w. rina&samir while i waited for dg&mnb. & we all ended up at mcdonalds for like an hour. i want to go to sleep but i am not tired =[ ...probably listen to chrisette michele til i fade out.

realitycheck
a lot of things need to change within the relationships in my life smh.
despite what some think i can be tooo nice. hmph.

a lot of the time , i am my own worst enemy.

love is blind...

sigh..where do i begin??

you see or hear about a lot of things on television or in movies that you don't even give a second thought about because they are not at your front door or affecting your everyday life. & even when life does present you with a serious issue that seems 'movie like' , you brush it off because this is reality right?? exactly..THIS IS REALITY , shit is real. never take anything for granted.

well an issue showed up at my front door , ringing my doorbell around 9am last wednesday. a friend of mine had gotten into an argument with her boyfriend & he put his hands on her..sounds simple right?? we all know that happens very often , it is unfortunate but it happens. nowadays a lot of females fight back or even start the altercation , so that begins to be the "normalcy" of their relationship. AGAIN..not saying that it is right , but it is an common issue that is out there. anywho , she hadn't been here in a while because her & dude were so involved (living together & whatnot) but i just figured she needed a friend..someone to talk to so she came to camz&i. one whole side of her face was swollen , big blood clot in her eye , bruises all over her arms & some on her legs. after listening to what happen i'm like wtf dude really went ballistic over some bullshit at that. i never seen her like this , her whole aura was different..this wasn't the same chick i used to party , joke & spend all my time with. but i just brushed it off as 'hey relationships sometimes change people'. but ma&i cheered her up , gave a the pep talk & tried to see what she wanted to do about the situation.


so dude is calling her , they speak & he giving her the 'look what you made me do' speech. he goes by her house looking for her , at first she ignores it then she tells him she is at my house so they can talk.he still blaming her & hasn't even apologized or acknowledge the fact that he hurt her & as small as she is could have done fatal damage. at the end of the day i felt like she understood he wasn't sorry , that he is not what she needed to be involved & that this i NOT would love is. thought everything was ok.

got a call tuesday morning & she crying & screaming cuz they had another situation & she decided to leave the house & he is following her. told her to come here. now part of me is asking 'why did you even go back???' but i was foolish because all the signs were there that she was going to. now having a minor situation myself & having another friend that went through something i realized this was NOTHING like our situations. she needed more support , more guidance but all in all she needed (&still needs) help. it is more then just 'having it bad' for him. he is in her head making her feel like less of a person when she without him. beautiful girl , self-esteem shot. lifetime movie but right here at my front door , better yet...my living room. reality says ok this is the third incident (of my knowledge) she can't keep going back because injuries are going to keep getting more serious..severe..or even deadly. thinking whyyyy sooooo extreme nik?? because thats was next in the plot of this very REAL movie in my head that is turning into REALITY.

i REFUSE to let her go back..yes everyone makes their own decisions because ultimately it is their life..but fuck that , don't care what i have to do. can't watch someone get hurt like that. some would say let her be stupid & go back if she wants to..but there is wayyyyy more depth to the situation then being smart or stupid & it took all this to make me realize that. this was mental & emotional. soooo so far distance is ideal because she feels like if she is here she is going to go back. leroy&i did everything we could to help her leave. chillin in west palm beach & soon miami with a friend =] but i know it isn't over yet but i'm hoping for the best & i'm willing to help as much i can.

i learned from my own situation..learned a little more from another friends' situation but i learned the most from this one. lessons in love , life & friendship that i will never forget. & to those who already come to me when they need me & those who ever need me..my front door is ALWAYS open. just try not to show up so early lol just kidding =]


...and it could take over your mind

w h a t t h e f u c k.

ahhh fresh out the shower , no better feeling (except sleep of course) i'm exhausted even after the 5 hour nap i just took. i'm trying to get another 3 or 4 hours in before i go to work. i was so tired i fell asleep on the lightrail on my way home smh woke up at jersey ave thinking i was still heading toward my house , little did i know i was going in the other direction & i had to get off & go back to westside fml..thank goodness i wasn't driving today.

work kicked my ass today cuz i was soooooooooo fucking tired..my body was like giving up on me. never again will i not sleep before work smh.

ahhh i got halfway through the blog i have been writing for like 4 days UGH but once again i can't finish because i promised myself i would be going back to sleep by 130. sigh..i HAVE TO finish tomorrow.

so i'm gonna post this bullshit since it is about my day blahhh. nighty night.

weekenders...

i have been writing this same post like allllllll weekend but couldn't finish smh..& i have another i wanna write about something that has been on my mind since like wednesday. but i'm going to have to save that for tomorrow cuz i'm sleepy (which i have been saying all week)

blahhh...

i had the WEIRDEST dream saturday morning...i was at my old house (oldbergen) all by myself standing in me&ma room. i pulled a rope & a chair from out of the closet & i stood on the chair. i tied the rope around the light on the ceiling & then around my neck. i sighed & said 'here we go' & kicked the chair from under me. i was just hanging there. i was like blacking out & i could hear but i couldn't see anything. so i heard someone come in & was like 'nik what the fuck are you doing" but of course i couldn't respond. it was a guy but i couldn't pin point who. he started to tell me i'm bugging & i got my son to live for. i felt him untying me , laying me down & giving me cpr. i opened my eyes & everything is blurry & i'm dizzy. closed them..gave myself a second & open them up again & it was naim (wtf) & he was asking me mad questions , i couldn't even keep up. i was coughing & my throat was dry as hell i was tryna find some spit to swallow. all raspy...i was like 'naim how your little ass get me down from here??' & i woke up. yo part of me was dying laughing & the other part of me was sooooooooo freaked out cuz it felt so real & i don't understand why i was tryna hang myself & what son am i living for??? but then for naim to be saving me was hilarious. smh i like it better when i don't remember my dreams.

anywho , i went out friday night. i was hoping i would have something tell yall about it but uhhh i don't. it was wiggity WHACK. we went to t.g.i.friday & the movies. dude was quiet..very quiet..i was bout to check shawty pulse. said he had a lot on his mind , so you got me out my nice warm bed to sit in silence & listen to other folks conversations?? whoa then on the way home gonna ask me if i wanna go with him or go home , my response "what the fuck you think" i wasn't even trying to be rude but seriously?? smh what a waste of clothes.

mnb made me cupcakes =] yeahhh buddy. & spent the night..i needed the company. haven't seen beans all week she doing a lot with school , work & studying. haven't seen OR spoken to ness all week either..she just cuffing (not a real excuse). i don't even want to discuss it cuz i'm type upset about it. missing ma&mani like crazy =[ its like everyone left me at the same time. they return briefly..very , very brieflyyy.

hmm...
i have walls up..maybe i'm not ready..'evilness' is my defense mechanism..but i'm so guarded its destroying me..being mean or unapproachable isn't going to protect my heart. i can't distance myself from unpleasant thoughts or feelings. they exist , deal with it nik.

i've noticed people are changing with the season..


fuckit..bedtime.

unnecessary..

leroy is soooo fucking annoying. always has been so i guess he always will be. aren't you a little to old to be instigating?? ugh. he has nooooooo type of 'understanding'..i guess that is what mothers are for =[ sigh...he a fucking hypocrite. anywho , him&ma got into it now he is talking about she can't come back home til she gets her shit together. argument wasn't even that big. don't always agree with everything ma does but this time leroy took it toooo far.

it perplexes me how i get caught in the middle of every argument between everybody in my life. shit don't even have nothing to do with me. but i gotta listen to it. niggas come in the room i'm sitting in to argue!! so i leave & niggas follow. i need an outlet , somewhere to go when i don't feel like listening to & dealing with the drama. & it is ironic because my house & i (smh) are a lot of my friends' outlet. people come here to talk to me , to grieve , to stay & just get a lot off their chest. when is it my turn?? where do i go?? i tried to fake sleep today because i thought that would prevent leroy from coming into my room yelling at the top of his fucking lungs about him&ma situation..YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!! fuck you telling me for. & i want to walk out but where am i going to go?? & i want to talk about it but can't call anyone. smh.

really feeling sooooo ugh...

something else that has been bothering me a little is how ma boyfriend is. he doesn't have to be my bestfriend or nothing but i don't understand why he is sooooo anti-social. it puts a strain on the household. i don't even feel right sitting in the same room as him&ma. & i want to chill w. her when she is home but he be having hissy fits whenever she do something that doesn't involve him. he is a GREAT father as i stated before but you family now..loosen up wtf. i miss my sister & i know somethings HAD to change but this to much. smh , home life s u c k s.

work was cool..training is always blahh , movies & paperwork & shit. i have to get up at eight tomorrow so i have no idea why i am up right now. guess i gotta get used to this again...

random : my jaw keeps locking!! this shit hurt. i was trying to eat my mcdonalds this afternoon & i could hardly open my mouth to get the food in & couldn't even chew =[ food makes me happy lol ...that was the first & last thing i ate all day..i'm full off of chocolate milk..through a straw smh. & i can't yell. yelling makes me even happier hehe.

yawning..gonna check my crops & knock out.

home is where the heart is , right??

fade into the background.

back to the couch tonight. tired. not in a very good mood. bitchy.

amani is here =D the best part of my day.

start work on thursday , woo ha.

blahhh.

wendy just said some real shit : "at some point , you just have to be your own bestfriend"
i concur.

i need to refocus my focus.
you'll see the difference.

if you can't respect that , your whole perspective is whack.
lets see if they love me when i fade to black.


o u t t i e.

amani <3

fuck this..

i ain't shit right now =[ the attitude is bonkers. not upset at anything , i just don't feel well. my ENTIRE body hurts & i have no clue why..i haven't been sleeping on the couch lately , haven't been doing anything strenuous..i just woke up like this. i'm coughing & sneezing but only at night w t f is that about?? & i'm some complete bullshit with food right now..i just ate some cereal (which i NEVER eat) a turkey sandwich accompanied by a hot pocket & now i'm snacking on milk & cookies w. a nutrigrain bar. i know that is od right smh & i'm ashamed to tell you what i ate before my nap. i was complaining to leroy about all this (whyyyy wrong person lol) a fathers' first instinct is pregnancy..now unless someone crept up on me with a turkey baster in the middle of the night , i am far from pregnant.say no more. even though i'm in a crappy mood i'm kinda enjoying leroys' company right now cuz i was lonely lmao

hold up...pissssssseedddddd since when doesn't sex&thecity come on channel 11 at midnight??

& lastly..why is it that i get no answer from you like i did something..did i miss something?
the only thing i thought i was missing was you.


i'm going to bed.

let me break it down
we living in a lonely world
i'm tired of the running around
i wanna be your only girl
baby can i be the one you call
when you’re tired of the lies
& the truth is all you wanna hear...
ONE MIND , ONE HEART , ONE LOVE


BABY HERE I AM.

before i lay me down to sleep , i think...

good day , had fun at wills' house as usual..they're very entertaining. BODAT! lmfao. i was somewhat 'blahh' though cuz i'm extremely tired , haven't been to sleep since saturday morning & it is monday morning fml. soooo...currently putting blueprint3 , ready & some other random songs on my iPhone so i can have something to listen to in the car tomorrow. also eating , which i have been doing non-stop since like thursday lol. anything i see i go in. yapping w. dg on aim.

speaking of dg...we had a nice little conversation this afternoon. even though she was umm kinda slizzed , she made some valid points lol. she was kinda telling me about myself like a old wine-o. basically if i don't go on a 'date' soon , very soon..she is going to kill me lol. i told her the guys that are pursuing me aren't my type. but according to 'relationshipologist' dr. miller (lmfao she gonna kill me) i should at least go out with someone once before i completely write them off. she believes i judge a book by its cover. i'm not saying she is wrong but ugh you know me. i agree w. her to some extent but these dudes that are hitting me up aren't catching my eye like that. & the common issue w. most is ego. ugh & i despise starting over lol i'm lazy. soooo until something alluring comes along i will continue to go on dates w. beans , dg & mnb & maintain the exhilarating relationship i have w. me , myself & i. blahhhh sounds like a blast right..mm hmm i know lol

btw..don't remember if stated this or not but jay-z album is good. heavy rotation along w. trey. gonna checkout raekwon new album later today.

i'm in love w. the idea of love. yeah i know i'm such a sucker for love ass nucca lol..but seriously..dg&mnb are on the yellow brick roads to relationships. they have some good dudes on their sides & after all they have been through w. guys...i'm happy to see them happy. i'm also glad to see ma , cel & mani living contently , he is ALWAYS around for his new family & you can't say that about a lot of fathers. there hasn't been a night or day that ma has been without him. he does his part & they seem happy. good stuff lol , i hope everything remains stable with everyone. i'll live vicariously through them while beans&i still hunt haha.


MTVs' VMAs' was good..kayne is a mess lol , i'm sure yall heard about his antics..ladygaga&pink are some bad bitches smh.


"feel like a weight has lifted , how can i repay you help me understand , currency ; a fistful of tears i can afford , fight of your life is not the cost , time will reveal all along you're the one who is losing..cause i go insane , crazy sometimes , trying to keep you from losing your mind , open yours eyes , see what's in front of your face , save me my fistful of tears..you can make it disappear boy , all you gotta do is raiseup , faceup , stayup , all things will heal , we'll feel it with a kiss from the skies , don't you let it go."

maxwell - fistful of tears... I LOVE IT!

don't come around tryna gas me up , i'm on E "/

'future' in you.

riding w. dg&mnb down s.o.ave , i'm tired so my mind is focused on just getting home..until i pass his house UGH there goes my focus. haven't been around there since. . . . . . .yeah it has been that long. now reminiscing is the lllaaasssssttttttt thing i'm trying to do. but i get to thinking. . .feelings come back. . .its not that i want you. . .i want what we had. damn we were good together. but after letting go of some resentment i can see that we are great apart. i know i don't answer your messages but i hope all is well.
NO LOVE LOST FROM THIS LOST LOVE.

even if a heart can't be broken..
it can be cracked but ima handle it like a G , & gmack =]


but you can't bring the 'future' back.

on these nights alone...

lil ol' me <3

ma&mani are at cels' house & leroy is on a 'date'
soooo...
i'm left alone with my thoughts..& yall know that is not a good combo =]

i'm farming on fb as usual..so addicting.
today was good , no complaints.
finally made it to the movies...
i saw tyler perrys' new movie 'i can do bad all by myself'
two thumbs up...cried a little lol

i'm looking for a place to go snowboarding , skiing , snowtubing , etc.
somewhere in nj or pa.
around my birthday sometime..
something different.
or paintballing.

sex w. my ex : i really need a guy to give me an explanation as to WHY do ex-boyfriends think they cannot be turned down for sex after a relationship has ended , like they're names are forever written all over you smh. & when females say no..we gotta get the "i can do it better , i can get it wetter , once mine always mine" speech. B L A H. tired of saying no..been there , done that.bye.

I MISS CAMZ!!
& when i miss camz..i miss mommy =[
not exactly sure where that connection comes from but it's there.
sigh...

you&i are going nowhere fast..wtf is the holdup?
got me feeling like i'm playing 'red light , green light'
keyword : playing
g a m e o v e r. . .

these aren't even half my thoughts...
but i need a snack & i'm deadtired.

it is 6am & i need a nap.
football&gamenight at wills' house in a lil while.
bodat lmao
get to see dg&mnb, yeah buddy =]

i'm a host of imperfection , can you see past all that??

underneath it all , there's an endless story...

i love to sleep & the refrigerator is my bestfriend. laugh for no reason & smile because i deserve to. i cry when i get frustrated & hate to be comforted. good at being bad but even better at being good. i look absolutely dumb in hats so i hate the winter. music is my sanity & dancing is therapy. i over-analyze situations often upsetting myself. know how to forgive but i can't forget. i compare bacon to oxygen & try to eat some everyday. terrified of horror films but i love romantic comedies. i acknowledge my flaws & believe that is perfection. lives for basketball season & wishes baseball would be done away with. eager to grow up but i wanna be young at heart forever. can cook a nice meal although fast food frequently calls my name. believes loving & losing is better than never loving. i don't think i'm beautiful but i love me some me. very impatient but i'll wait for anything worthwhile. i'm a homebody but by no means a party pooper. loves company but desperately needs 'me time' to restore myself. the epitome of a dweeb & cool because i want to be. i spend at least 15 mintues looking for the remote when it is in my hand & my glasses when they are on my face. would do anything for a friend & give my life for family. the meaner i am the more i adore you. can't tolerate staying in the mall for a long period of time therefore shopping is a difficult task. doesn't believe in forever because i don't know anyone who has been around that long.loves love but i don't think it loves me. frigging moody & lastly emotional beyond popular belief.

i understand i don't wear my heart on my sleeve for the world to see , but that doesn't translate into me not having any feelings. & this is often what people assume about me =[ ...lately it has been slightly irritating because when i try to express myself it goes unheard or unacknowledged & not to mention "non-believable" smh. i sometimes wonder am i that hard to read?? or even that hard-hearted. being known as 'mean' or 'evil' isn't the ideal emotion i want to put forth but i just don't know anymore. when i begin to open up , it all comes crashing down...
there is so much more to me then you could ever imagine..

one of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot utter...

back to basics..

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
..Marilyn Monroe..

OMG..this quote couldn't be anymore perfect at the moment.

(the devil wears prada hehe.)

anywho , i need to exercise patience & stop trying to read into e v e r y t h i n g* blahhhh...


wondering...i PROMISE i will never be able to comprehend why females are sooo damn vicious to one another smh. long story short..i had to go off on this woman in the mall today. just when i said i was gonna be nice =]


ugh college college college...sooo like last month i started looking into "furthering my education" (some more lol) it kind of sucks because i have to start from scratch when it comes to credits because my credits from KU will not be released to me. UGH! i was going to attend ECC beginning in the spring but of course i would have to pay out of county costs. & being that i'm paying for this myself (hmph) i'm trying to do it the cheapest way possible lol until i can do otherwise. so i'm gonna go to HCCC blahh school is school at this point. it's cheaper & closer so i guess that works out better.

today i read someones facebook status that hit a soft spot:
"why do males do everything in their power to get to know you , but when you let them..they fall back completely" HA! fml as if i need reminders lol.

meanmuggn.

it has been a loooonnnnggggg day...blueprint3 til i knockout.

A WISE GIRL KISSES BUT DOESN'T LOVE , LISTENS BUT DOESN'T BELIEVE , AND LEAVES BEFORE SHE IS LEFT...

back in one piece..

it has been sooo long...i don't even know where to begin. i have so much on my mind & so much in my heart...didn't realize how "refreshing" this was until i stopped doing it lol

FIRST&FOREMOST : I'M AN AUNTIE!!
august5.2009 , 8:56am , 6lbs.11oz , 19.5in.
amani yvonne berry.
i swear i have never been in love like this before...you would think she was mine haha. but she is such a cutie. having her around required a lot of adjusting (waking up to crying , sleeping on the couch , etc.) lol but all that doesn't even matter when i hold her.damn i love that little girl , can't wait til ahw gets a lil older.

very random but iLOVE skinny ties on guys lol..

anywho , i have NO phone guys!! my iPhone officially gave up on me. first it was just turned off , now it won't even friggin charge!! sooo RIP to my iPhone =[ didn't even make it a year. something new coming soon. but it's cool cuz i was getting very annoyed with the pointless texts&calls i was getting. i'm tired of guys commenting & criticizing me about me being a stranger lately. but when they contact me to play catch up all i get is a 'how you been' & then the conversations head straight for the topic of sex. this is why i became a stranger in the first place , how many different ways can i say no? the number of guy friends i have has dropped significantly lol cool by me. but yeah..no phone , now i can't be found =] just how i like it.


still on the job hunt.......i know right RIDICULOUS , don't even wanna discuss it. moving right along...


sometimes i feel like trusting someone is an impossible task for me. i don't want the past to deter me from putting that much confidence in a person , but people just ain't worth their weight in gold anymore.

when it comes to you...i imagine myself walking up to a door with caution tape all over. it is clear that i have no business opening the door but curiosity is a killer & temptation is a bitch. i like you but everything is saying don't. some say "no risk , no reward" but dammit i'm damaged lol do i really have time for risk?? it would put my mind at ease if i had some type of understanding or clarity when it comes to you. ugh unsolved mysteries. but quite frankly i don't know how much longer i'm willing to take this risk , cuz when i catch feelings while being unsure there is a problem. i miss you (phobia) & i despise this feeling. someone fucking shoot me now.


craving a salad from johnny rockets!! didn't get it tonight but i made fried chicken & a cake lol just as good.

Y A W N..time for bed..dammit i wanna cuddleup next to someone & i miss myMANI already =[

<3

VENUS VERSUS MARS.

assBACKWARDS.

not tryna start a fight , not worth the drama , just gonna laugh about it , its not worth my time. . .for a beautifulLIAR.

but you're still on my mind "/ so unlike me.

. . .good dude , right place , wrong time
its odd how we want those who don't 'want' us
but look right past the ones who do.

and the idiotic part about it is that i don't have an exact solid reason...i just don't want him. ness thinks i've officially lost it. shit , i think i've lost it. but i have little control over what and who crosses my mind , just call me crazy. i'll put my hand in the fire and sooner or later i'll get what i'm asking for.




"i am ready for love
all the joy and the pain
and all the time that it takes
just to stay in your good grace
lately i've been thinking
your not ready for me
maybe you think i need to learn maturity
they say watch what you ask for
cause you might recieve
but if you ask me tomorrow
i will say the same thing
. . .i am ready for love"


what looks good to you , ain't always good for you.

=]

whoa , it's been forever. due to lack of a computer of course...i would never disappear for no reason lol ")

i just finished watching some youtube vids of the MJ memorial , very nice...lately i've been all cried out but stevie wonder brought tears to my eyes with "I NEVER DREAMED YOU'D LEAVE IN SUMMER" everyone else was nice as well ...so now i'm just listening to some mary & trying to collect my thoughts.

ugh , i was trying to price some tickets for the jamie foxx 'blameit' tour but he doesn't have any shows in the ny/nj area. i was looking forward to that , maybe a road trip who knows.


nikki is happy ") ...maybe not all day everyday but at some point during the day I AM HAPPY which is better than what i could say in the past. ness&i been ripping & running lol keeping busy & very entertained for like the past week. i'm officially drained & i refuse to step foot outside tomorrow , cleaning & laundry all day.

still on the jobhunt ugh. but i reevaluated that idea but i'll get into that later.

lovelife...once again non-existant. it's just crazy when something you thought was going to work , doesn't. i mean like doesn't even come close. but no expectations ; no disappointments RIGHT??

iNEED to go to the beach "/

something that has been on my mind heavy..

friend (noun) a person you know well and regard with affection and trust
. . . .
friend (noun) an associate who provides cooperation or assistance

i found these in the dictionary on my phone. to me these are two totally different definitions. how many friends do you have??

i'm not tired but i'm tired of thinking so i guess i'll get some sleep...after a snack & some dr.pepper of course.

satisfy my soul.

throwback.

trouble sleeping "( lately i can't sleep through the night to save my life. before it was i couldn't sleep at all. now i can sleep but only for like two hours at a time. aggravating.

anywho..
one of my biggest pet peeves is people who text me for no apparent reason. if you have nothing to talk about , why contact me? i also feel like cell phones have become the enemy. remember the days where people used to TALK ON THE PHONE or even in person. i miss them. now text messages have taken over the world lol. sometimes i wish i could go back to the 'house phone days'. if people still talked on the phone i probably wouldn't get these dumb pointless text messages. smh. its like jetsons vs. flinstones.


looking for a movie to watch..i am such a sucker for love , well on tv or in movies lol not real life. i just love movies with cute endings and lessons in love.

i want to see transformers like right now!!

can you do me a favor?? make it sooner than later..

can we kiss?

first and foremost...

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!! to all the daddies and single mommies out there. padre's gift has been waiting for him on his bed since 9pm last night but he still hasn't returned yet lol

sunday morning tv sucks. i'm beyond bored. slightly hungry. and very lonely. i need to get out the house today or have some company. if not i guess i'll just be washing my hair and whatnot "(

i'm a very modest person , i don't need a whole convoluted lifestyle. i just need my friends , family and significant other to be down for me and vice versa. i'm perfectly fine staying home and playing 360 or going to the movies , out to eat or to the club. either way when i do it , i like to be chill. i've kind of learned the more you broadcast things the faster they mess up. and when it comes to relationships all i need is some time and attention and i'm good ") now don't get it twisted simple does NOT translate into boring.

'just a simple girl
i need a simple man
ain't gotta put no extra on it
i'm on that simple plan'
[ron browz , keri hilson & juelz santana - simple]

so come on lets KISS , Keep It Simple Sweety


i'm watching 'real housewives of new jersey' for the first time , iLike. didn't think i would.

bout to whip up some breakfast. hasta luego.


i must take baby steps til i'm full grown.

broken-hearted girl.

just realized i had no pics of ma's belly or my niece , how could i??

& look amani is waving at you , don't be rude wave back.

yesterday i did the most bizarre thing ever. i was sitting on the lightrail & just started crying. like tears flowing with the ugly face , sound effects & all. in my head i'm what the hell nikki stop but i couldn't. it was just one of those days where everything was getting to me , but for me to get that emotional [especially on public transportation] is very odd & rare. i'm very fortunate & grateful for everything i do have because anything that i need i have. but i just feel like so much is going wrong & i can't control it or fix it. im trying , really trying to get my life back on track. i try not to let the negative take to much of a toll on me but i put my heart into a lot of things i do or people & sometimes things go wrong or i get let down. whether it be relationships , school or work. it causes my heart to slowly chip , crack & eventually break. & with everything that has happen in the past couple of years i have become. . .the broken-hearted girl.

'theres always gonna be another mountain
i'm always gonna want to make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
& sometimes i'm gonna have to lose'

i need for something to go right before i lose my damn mind. i might have already lost it since i'm quoting miley cyrus now smh.

my mind is so cluttered right now , i don't even remember what i wanted to say next smh. so i guess this is where it gets random lol.

• so umm camz babyshower is in like 3 weeks i'm super hella excited. she's nervous about giving birth & i'm nervous for her. doesn't look easy lol ...i just want my niece. thats the biggest thing in my itty bitty world right now.
• think my interview went well. i have my fingers crossed , so you cross yours too ;] say a little prayer for me.
• school has been on my mind heavy lately. i really want & need to go back. by any means necessary , don't care if its like three credits at a time.
• oh yes , rest in peace to my poor laptop. my clumsy ass tripped & it fell out of my hand. cracked the screen up. sound familiar?? so now my iPhone & laptop that i've had for like a year have cracked screens. is my tv next?? i need a cure for clumsiness. FML.
• oh em gee , all this rain is killing me softly.

and then it comes to me , like an epiphany. i remember what i wanted to say...
he asked me 'was i a good girlfriend' ...that one little question brought back soooo many thoughts & memories , it doesn't even make any sense. i asked ness her opinion , hmph why did i do that?? this broad said i'm angry & complicated , i was so appalled lol. ANGRY?? NO!!! only if you take me there. complicated , maybe. but i feel like there is a better word for it. according to rina that better word is 'bi-polar' ugh. what the fuck ever hehe i don't know why i ask them anything.
...but in all seriousness , i honestly whole-heartedly believe i was a good girlfriend. not saying i was perfect [perfectionsBIGGESTskeptic =D] because i know my flaws & recognize where i went wrong. in my opinion i was supportive & very loyal. yeah i could be complicated but isn't everyone is to some extent when dealing with 'complex' feelings [&complex assholes]. if there is anything i could do for a person i would. & this goes for all my relationships whether it be family , friends etc. i just don't think i gave my time & effort to someone who deserved or appreciated it. ness says i'm the type to 'ride until the wheels fall off' i just believe in exhausting all options before giving up on something your trying to build [except for in extreme situations of course] in closing haha , i'm a good girl with good girlfriend qualities i just need to find a 'him' to invest those qualities in. take that ness&rina =P


i just realized i'm like extra hella silly but i can't control it.

anywho , i'm all cheered up. no more tears. it will all get better in time & i will smile because i deserve to. i just need to stop getting trapped in my memories.

never say never , but don't always say forever.

to be or not to be?

we're friggin incredible**



update...my 'trash' is currently on the curb , waiting to be taken away. thanks for the memories

anywho. . .

today was so chill i loved it. watched a lot of tv with ma&ness then nick came through. love him he is HILARIOUS. the best part ..ness&i tried to remake beyonces' ego video for you. TOOOOO FUNNY. the most fun i've had in a long time. but umm we never finished haha we ended up doing random dumb dances to lady gaga lovegame [btw i friggin love her now] i'll post it when i switch laptops =]

hmmm , i'm slightly upset i have to take my red hair out for this interview. i mean i don't HAVE to but i think i should. when i get home im gonna put it right back in lol.


stole this from yatie : to get something you've never had , you have to do something you never did.

i feel this is so relevant to what i previously posted about aggression. there are many things i don't approach as aggressively as i need to. & being timid sometimes allows things to slip through my fingers. being unsure of whats going to happen is my excuse , LAME!! i need to step up are start taking what i want & i know just where to start =]

so in conclusion , to be or not to be aggressive?? HA!


ok i gotta go , i need some iced tea.




don't let me get me , I CAN BE MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

cleaning out my closet.

closets are the worst!! thats where i throw everything i don't want to deal with at the moment. or my storage for things i don't want to get rid of. i recently cleaned my whole room including my closet so everything is neat. i left necessary items in my closet like blankets , pillows & i put in a small dresser thingy. i ALSO found some old letters , pictures & other memorabilia from my highschool relationship so i thought to myself 'awww this is soooo cute i wanna keep it'

BLAH!! ..so sunday night i was getting some old shoe boxes so i can throw them in the recyclables [i never knew if that was a real word but i always use it] & i saw all this old stuff. & i'm like why do i still have it. i'm soooo over it so why keep it not trying to sound bitter or anything but i really don't see a reason to have all these old memories in my closet. i dont have anything from any other relationship. this is another way to keep the past out of my present or future. don't get me wrong we are still friends but all those moments & memories we can't get back aren't needed.


soooo..tonight the garbage goes out & this shit MUST go with it =] & i've officially finished cleaning out my closet in all aspects. i'm loving the feeling of a fresh start.


in other news. . .
i have an interview thursday afternoon , wish me luck. i'm praying on this because the boredom of not having a job is killing me. i need something to occupy all this spare time.
what else , what else??
things seem odd & strained in another area of my life but i'm not going address it because i think this is just me thinking to much. as usual. sometimes i think i'm not aggressive enough when it comes to this.


starvation is getting the best of me. b b l.





finding forever.

sweet dream or beautiful nightmare. . .

eating some strange looking dinner with rina , ness & shalini. laughing & carrying on as usual. my phone rings , its mommy. almost wasn't going to answer but , ITS TIME ITS TIME!!!! camz is finally in labor , a week overdue. we pay , run outta there to go hop on the train. miss the first , the second is overly crowded so we hop on the third. rina drives us to the biggest hospital i've ever seen in my life , finding parking is hell. we get inside & can't find a damn thing in this humongous hospital. after about 15 minutes of walking in circles we find my family & camz room. i hear a whole bunch of 'awws' & 'oohs' so i'm assuming we missed labor & birth. i walk in the room & see camz looking exhausted & marcel rubbing her head. mommy is in the corner sitting down holding our new edition. 'ITS A BOY' she says. & just like when camz was born he has no name as of yet lol. i gave mommy a kiss & placed my hand on her shoulder. we talked for about 15 minutes about camz & labor , she made jokes & i laughed. mommy gave the baby back to marcel & we decided to head downstairs to grab something to eat. i'm running my mouth the whole way to the elevator & mommy interupts me & just says 'i love you' i reach out for a hug..



..i hear leroy asking me if i'm awake. FUCK!! i wanted to say yeah but i wish i wasn't. it's 546am & i swear i felt like crying , but i held it in. i hate dreams about mommy that feel sooooo real cause it hurts so bad.



'i just wanna be numb
i don't wanna feel a thing
i don't want reality..actually
reality stinks'







...either way i don't want to wake up from this.

& i wonder if i'll find out how it was supposed to be.

( homealone , hate it. ]

i want to drink my bacardi dragonberry that padre bought me , but i feel like drinking by myself is the first step to alcoholism. sooo it shall sit there until i see ness&beans.

just had a little 'whatif' session , guess it was the lonliness. but i couldn't stop myself from wondering about a lot of things & how different my life would be. it'd be nice to bring back those who were taken from me , but i guess god works in mysterious ways right?? & everything happens for a reason right?? all that sounds nice & i know your not supposed to question certain things but i'm kind of full of resentment ...missuma*

'16&pregnant' : new reality show on mtv , iLike.

today was cool , spent it with thefam ..'leroy' sipped some wine in the afternoon then we went to the mall so he was a little 'loose' all day. omg it was hilarious , he's so cool sometimes. well the majority of the time lol

mipadre*

btw hangover was HILARIOUS.

thinking of a masterplan , nah i'm lying shawty on my mind ")

NEGRIL.

still in a goodmood ..phoning w. ness ..deadtired

hung out in the village tonight , really enjoyed myself ..i got in touch with my bajan side & ate a place called negrilvillage. great caribbean food , can't wait to go back [hopefully w. a date hehe] i loved the atmosphere but then again i love the atmosphere of the village in general.

twentyONE can't come fast enough ..to bad i'm not even twenty yet ::sigh::

today was loooonnnggg , couldn't think straight to save my life but yet i thought of him all day.

tooo braindead to type , night.

i'd love to rock with you.

breakthrough.

just getting in ..stuffed & happy , just how i like it. tonight was great =] ..aydins was cool even though ness was missing [i just love my rinabean , tooofunny] & i just came in from breakfast , but i'll get to that in a sec ;]

hair update [hehe] ..so i changed it again. but i love LOVE l o v e it lol. i was kinda inspired by 'kay' from 'collegehill' , would be nice if i could dye it. & i'm so proud i didn't sweat it out at the club =]

myintervention.

so i did some consulting with my honeys & we came to the conclusion that its time for nik to get back in the 'dating game' ..i feel nervous like i've never been out with a guy before , not cool. i've noticed i'm pretty closed off lately [especially with him] i need to get rid of the 'whats gonna go wrong' mentality , but i can't help but to wonder. i have , what we call , sns / scary nigga syndrome lmao ..i'm working on it though , i can't let the past have complete control of my future. soooo i've made some breakthroughs & let loose a little hehe , not sure what else my heart can take but i guess i'll find out.

ugh i'm ready for my niece , ma is huge. can't wait.

he is. . .toooo much & i like it.

i really enjoyed myself , don't even really know what else to say. he made my night. love his eyes. best breakfast in a while.

aaahhhhh , i have hiccups.

still jobhunting smh. finding a job has never been this hard for me , beyond aggitated.

thought i was going to bed but nope , out for padre ..laterdays.

theres one place you can touch me that will drive me crazy , MYHEART.