weekenders...

i have been writing this same post like allllllll weekend but couldn't finish smh..& i have another i wanna write about something that has been on my mind since like wednesday. but i'm going to have to save that for tomorrow cuz i'm sleepy (which i have been saying all week)

blahhh...

i had the WEIRDEST dream saturday morning...i was at my old house (oldbergen) all by myself standing in me&ma room. i pulled a rope & a chair from out of the closet & i stood on the chair. i tied the rope around the light on the ceiling & then around my neck. i sighed & said 'here we go' & kicked the chair from under me. i was just hanging there. i was like blacking out & i could hear but i couldn't see anything. so i heard someone come in & was like 'nik what the fuck are you doing" but of course i couldn't respond. it was a guy but i couldn't pin point who. he started to tell me i'm bugging & i got my son to live for. i felt him untying me , laying me down & giving me cpr. i opened my eyes & everything is blurry & i'm dizzy. closed them..gave myself a second & open them up again & it was naim (wtf) & he was asking me mad questions , i couldn't even keep up. i was coughing & my throat was dry as hell i was tryna find some spit to swallow. all raspy...i was like 'naim how your little ass get me down from here??' & i woke up. yo part of me was dying laughing & the other part of me was sooooooooo freaked out cuz it felt so real & i don't understand why i was tryna hang myself & what son am i living for??? but then for naim to be saving me was hilarious. smh i like it better when i don't remember my dreams.

anywho , i went out friday night. i was hoping i would have something tell yall about it but uhhh i don't. it was wiggity WHACK. we went to t.g.i.friday & the movies. dude was quiet..very quiet..i was bout to check shawty pulse. said he had a lot on his mind , so you got me out my nice warm bed to sit in silence & listen to other folks conversations?? whoa then on the way home gonna ask me if i wanna go with him or go home , my response "what the fuck you think" i wasn't even trying to be rude but seriously?? smh what a waste of clothes.

mnb made me cupcakes =] yeahhh buddy. & spent the night..i needed the company. haven't seen beans all week she doing a lot with school , work & studying. haven't seen OR spoken to ness all week either..she just cuffing (not a real excuse). i don't even want to discuss it cuz i'm type upset about it. missing ma&mani like crazy =[ its like everyone left me at the same time. they return briefly..very , very brieflyyy.

hmm...
i have walls up..maybe i'm not ready..'evilness' is my defense mechanism..but i'm so guarded its destroying me..being mean or unapproachable isn't going to protect my heart. i can't distance myself from unpleasant thoughts or feelings. they exist , deal with it nik.

i've noticed people are changing with the season..


fuckit..bedtime.