broken-hearted girl.

just realized i had no pics of ma's belly or my niece , how could i??

& look amani is waving at you , don't be rude wave back.

yesterday i did the most bizarre thing ever. i was sitting on the lightrail & just started crying. like tears flowing with the ugly face , sound effects & all. in my head i'm what the hell nikki stop but i couldn't. it was just one of those days where everything was getting to me , but for me to get that emotional [especially on public transportation] is very odd & rare. i'm very fortunate & grateful for everything i do have because anything that i need i have. but i just feel like so much is going wrong & i can't control it or fix it. im trying , really trying to get my life back on track. i try not to let the negative take to much of a toll on me but i put my heart into a lot of things i do or people & sometimes things go wrong or i get let down. whether it be relationships , school or work. it causes my heart to slowly chip , crack & eventually break. & with everything that has happen in the past couple of years i have become. . .the broken-hearted girl.

'theres always gonna be another mountain
i'm always gonna want to make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
& sometimes i'm gonna have to lose'

i need for something to go right before i lose my damn mind. i might have already lost it since i'm quoting miley cyrus now smh.

my mind is so cluttered right now , i don't even remember what i wanted to say next smh. so i guess this is where it gets random lol.

• so umm camz babyshower is in like 3 weeks i'm super hella excited. she's nervous about giving birth & i'm nervous for her. doesn't look easy lol ...i just want my niece. thats the biggest thing in my itty bitty world right now.
• think my interview went well. i have my fingers crossed , so you cross yours too ;] say a little prayer for me.
• school has been on my mind heavy lately. i really want & need to go back. by any means necessary , don't care if its like three credits at a time.
• oh yes , rest in peace to my poor laptop. my clumsy ass tripped & it fell out of my hand. cracked the screen up. sound familiar?? so now my iPhone & laptop that i've had for like a year have cracked screens. is my tv next?? i need a cure for clumsiness. FML.
• oh em gee , all this rain is killing me softly.

and then it comes to me , like an epiphany. i remember what i wanted to say...
he asked me 'was i a good girlfriend' ...that one little question brought back soooo many thoughts & memories , it doesn't even make any sense. i asked ness her opinion , hmph why did i do that?? this broad said i'm angry & complicated , i was so appalled lol. ANGRY?? NO!!! only if you take me there. complicated , maybe. but i feel like there is a better word for it. according to rina that better word is 'bi-polar' ugh. what the fuck ever hehe i don't know why i ask them anything.
...but in all seriousness , i honestly whole-heartedly believe i was a good girlfriend. not saying i was perfect [perfectionsBIGGESTskeptic =D] because i know my flaws & recognize where i went wrong. in my opinion i was supportive & very loyal. yeah i could be complicated but isn't everyone is to some extent when dealing with 'complex' feelings [&complex assholes]. if there is anything i could do for a person i would. & this goes for all my relationships whether it be family , friends etc. i just don't think i gave my time & effort to someone who deserved or appreciated it. ness says i'm the type to 'ride until the wheels fall off' i just believe in exhausting all options before giving up on something your trying to build [except for in extreme situations of course] in closing haha , i'm a good girl with good girlfriend qualities i just need to find a 'him' to invest those qualities in. take that ness&rina =P


i just realized i'm like extra hella silly but i can't control it.

anywho , i'm all cheered up. no more tears. it will all get better in time & i will smile because i deserve to. i just need to stop getting trapped in my memories.

never say never , but don't always say forever.