DOWN ASS BITCH.

INSPIRED BY CAMERAWHORE.

who doesn't want or need a downassbitch by their side?? or for guys , downassnigga. whether male or female ; friendship or relationship wise...everyone wants someone(s) who is going to be there whenever you need them , when it is all good or all bad. 'sometimers' are not tolerated in these parts. what is your role?? are you casted as an extra or a lead?? get down or lay down man lmfao.

some of yall got me fucked up..nik is NOT materialistic smh. hmph..random , i know but it came up in conversation.


nae says i'm lonely lmao & i am. but that is ok..for now. me , myself & i..loving it.


i'm happy..like really in a good mood.

had a good day =D did 13 hours & work..somehow i managed not to be a cranky mess afterwards. my male co-workers are HILARIOUS lol we have the best conversations. somehow i managed to be the only chick today smh. a mess...i got two "let's kick it & keep it between us" offers today lol blahhh not even. more importantly BAKED ZITI yummy. & it'll taste even better for lunch tomorrow.

thought these pictures were cute lol

i have A L O T of running around to do on my next day off smh. but i really want to go out , haven't been out in about a month. time to shake my ass lol. i have a lot of pent up ummm tension (guess that is a good word for it) i be out with them boxes at work with all this 'energy'. haha. oh yes , i want some negril soooooo bad.

anywho , time to knockout. 530am wakeup call.

unfinished business , should i settle it??

thinking that my gap is getting bigger lol..
but anywho , i'm gonna smile because i deserve to =D


yes , i know the process has so much stress..
but it's the progress that feels the BEST.

changing faces.

haven't posted a pic in a while..& my phone is allllll the way on the other side of the room so i'll post some tomorrow.

i think i'm tired..got up for work at 5am so i guess i am. but i tried to nap & couldn't sleep.

i'm waiting on rina to get here..her&i need to catch up. she is busy with school&work & i'm busy with work&sleep. i need to adjust myself to this schedule because i'm definitely not a morning person. but work is cool..its doing nothing but getting easier. grasped all the basic concepts & getting it done faster everyday. my only issue was finding a comfortable pair of shoes to wear lol. tried my blazer boots BIG NO-NO , then a pair of dunks UGH , then today i tried some airmax97s PERFECTO!! felt like i was walking on clouds lol so i have like 4 or 5 pairs of those so i should be fine =]

also waiting on dg&mnb , they went to pacha in the city..gotta pick them up from the square later.

i haven't watched tv in forever..strange. turned it on yesterday to watch jay-z on oprah & that was it since sunday afternoon.

i feel different but i don't know what it is can't really put my finger on it..not bad , just different. i'm in a good mood though.

found this HILARIOUS..dude i work with tells me allll about his situation 2 kids by 2 different females..he is still involved with both. 1 chick he feels is unappreciative but loves her & lives with her & 1 child & the other is 'perfect' she a freak , cooks , cleans , rubs his back blah blahh..yanno all that good stuff but she has a new dude who lives there with her & my co-workers' other child. (hope i haven't confused you) so while her new man away for 3 days&nights at work my co-worker plays house with her. so he wants his main chick (the one he is living with) to appreciate him & the things he does more & then he feels that he can let go of the other babymother & just deal solely with the child. so i'm just standing there doing my work thinking number 1 why the hell are you telling me this & number 2 well damn you are a busy man lol so he asks me my situation..i'm like nucca it ain't NO WHERE near as complex as yours! in fact it is very simple i am involved with no one. he like word i'm like yup. so he brings it back up later on the train (which he never takes so idk why he started today) & tells me i should get involved with him..i'm not even gonna say anymore yall should know me well enough. oh yes i almost forgot..this man is 30 smh. i quit.

i look c r a z y lol but i love myMANI =]

so it is now 7am..enjoyed my night played catchup w. rina&samir while i waited for dg&mnb. & we all ended up at mcdonalds for like an hour. i want to go to sleep but i am not tired =[ ...probably listen to chrisette michele til i fade out.

realitycheck
a lot of things need to change within the relationships in my life smh.
despite what some think i can be tooo nice. hmph.

a lot of the time , i am my own worst enemy.

love is blind...

sigh..where do i begin??

you see or hear about a lot of things on television or in movies that you don't even give a second thought about because they are not at your front door or affecting your everyday life. & even when life does present you with a serious issue that seems 'movie like' , you brush it off because this is reality right?? exactly..THIS IS REALITY , shit is real. never take anything for granted.

well an issue showed up at my front door , ringing my doorbell around 9am last wednesday. a friend of mine had gotten into an argument with her boyfriend & he put his hands on her..sounds simple right?? we all know that happens very often , it is unfortunate but it happens. nowadays a lot of females fight back or even start the altercation , so that begins to be the "normalcy" of their relationship. AGAIN..not saying that it is right , but it is an common issue that is out there. anywho , she hadn't been here in a while because her & dude were so involved (living together & whatnot) but i just figured she needed a friend..someone to talk to so she came to camz&i. one whole side of her face was swollen , big blood clot in her eye , bruises all over her arms & some on her legs. after listening to what happen i'm like wtf dude really went ballistic over some bullshit at that. i never seen her like this , her whole aura was different..this wasn't the same chick i used to party , joke & spend all my time with. but i just brushed it off as 'hey relationships sometimes change people'. but ma&i cheered her up , gave a the pep talk & tried to see what she wanted to do about the situation.


so dude is calling her , they speak & he giving her the 'look what you made me do' speech. he goes by her house looking for her , at first she ignores it then she tells him she is at my house so they can talk.he still blaming her & hasn't even apologized or acknowledge the fact that he hurt her & as small as she is could have done fatal damage. at the end of the day i felt like she understood he wasn't sorry , that he is not what she needed to be involved & that this i NOT would love is. thought everything was ok.

got a call tuesday morning & she crying & screaming cuz they had another situation & she decided to leave the house & he is following her. told her to come here. now part of me is asking 'why did you even go back???' but i was foolish because all the signs were there that she was going to. now having a minor situation myself & having another friend that went through something i realized this was NOTHING like our situations. she needed more support , more guidance but all in all she needed (&still needs) help. it is more then just 'having it bad' for him. he is in her head making her feel like less of a person when she without him. beautiful girl , self-esteem shot. lifetime movie but right here at my front door , better yet...my living room. reality says ok this is the third incident (of my knowledge) she can't keep going back because injuries are going to keep getting more serious..severe..or even deadly. thinking whyyyy sooooo extreme nik?? because thats was next in the plot of this very REAL movie in my head that is turning into REALITY.

i REFUSE to let her go back..yes everyone makes their own decisions because ultimately it is their life..but fuck that , don't care what i have to do. can't watch someone get hurt like that. some would say let her be stupid & go back if she wants to..but there is wayyyyy more depth to the situation then being smart or stupid & it took all this to make me realize that. this was mental & emotional. soooo so far distance is ideal because she feels like if she is here she is going to go back. leroy&i did everything we could to help her leave. chillin in west palm beach & soon miami with a friend =] but i know it isn't over yet but i'm hoping for the best & i'm willing to help as much i can.

i learned from my own situation..learned a little more from another friends' situation but i learned the most from this one. lessons in love , life & friendship that i will never forget. & to those who already come to me when they need me & those who ever need me..my front door is ALWAYS open. just try not to show up so early lol just kidding =]


...and it could take over your mind

w h a t t h e f u c k.

ahhh fresh out the shower , no better feeling (except sleep of course) i'm exhausted even after the 5 hour nap i just took. i'm trying to get another 3 or 4 hours in before i go to work. i was so tired i fell asleep on the lightrail on my way home smh woke up at jersey ave thinking i was still heading toward my house , little did i know i was going in the other direction & i had to get off & go back to westside fml..thank goodness i wasn't driving today.

work kicked my ass today cuz i was soooooooooo fucking tired..my body was like giving up on me. never again will i not sleep before work smh.

ahhh i got halfway through the blog i have been writing for like 4 days UGH but once again i can't finish because i promised myself i would be going back to sleep by 130. sigh..i HAVE TO finish tomorrow.

so i'm gonna post this bullshit since it is about my day blahhh. nighty night.

weekenders...

i have been writing this same post like allllllll weekend but couldn't finish smh..& i have another i wanna write about something that has been on my mind since like wednesday. but i'm going to have to save that for tomorrow cuz i'm sleepy (which i have been saying all week)

blahhh...

i had the WEIRDEST dream saturday morning...i was at my old house (oldbergen) all by myself standing in me&ma room. i pulled a rope & a chair from out of the closet & i stood on the chair. i tied the rope around the light on the ceiling & then around my neck. i sighed & said 'here we go' & kicked the chair from under me. i was just hanging there. i was like blacking out & i could hear but i couldn't see anything. so i heard someone come in & was like 'nik what the fuck are you doing" but of course i couldn't respond. it was a guy but i couldn't pin point who. he started to tell me i'm bugging & i got my son to live for. i felt him untying me , laying me down & giving me cpr. i opened my eyes & everything is blurry & i'm dizzy. closed them..gave myself a second & open them up again & it was naim (wtf) & he was asking me mad questions , i couldn't even keep up. i was coughing & my throat was dry as hell i was tryna find some spit to swallow. all raspy...i was like 'naim how your little ass get me down from here??' & i woke up. yo part of me was dying laughing & the other part of me was sooooooooo freaked out cuz it felt so real & i don't understand why i was tryna hang myself & what son am i living for??? but then for naim to be saving me was hilarious. smh i like it better when i don't remember my dreams.

anywho , i went out friday night. i was hoping i would have something tell yall about it but uhhh i don't. it was wiggity WHACK. we went to t.g.i.friday & the movies. dude was quiet..very quiet..i was bout to check shawty pulse. said he had a lot on his mind , so you got me out my nice warm bed to sit in silence & listen to other folks conversations?? whoa then on the way home gonna ask me if i wanna go with him or go home , my response "what the fuck you think" i wasn't even trying to be rude but seriously?? smh what a waste of clothes.

mnb made me cupcakes =] yeahhh buddy. & spent the night..i needed the company. haven't seen beans all week she doing a lot with school , work & studying. haven't seen OR spoken to ness all week either..she just cuffing (not a real excuse). i don't even want to discuss it cuz i'm type upset about it. missing ma&mani like crazy =[ its like everyone left me at the same time. they return briefly..very , very brieflyyy.

hmm...
i have walls up..maybe i'm not ready..'evilness' is my defense mechanism..but i'm so guarded its destroying me..being mean or unapproachable isn't going to protect my heart. i can't distance myself from unpleasant thoughts or feelings. they exist , deal with it nik.

i've noticed people are changing with the season..


fuckit..bedtime.

unnecessary..

leroy is soooo fucking annoying. always has been so i guess he always will be. aren't you a little to old to be instigating?? ugh. he has nooooooo type of 'understanding'..i guess that is what mothers are for =[ sigh...he a fucking hypocrite. anywho , him&ma got into it now he is talking about she can't come back home til she gets her shit together. argument wasn't even that big. don't always agree with everything ma does but this time leroy took it toooo far.

it perplexes me how i get caught in the middle of every argument between everybody in my life. shit don't even have nothing to do with me. but i gotta listen to it. niggas come in the room i'm sitting in to argue!! so i leave & niggas follow. i need an outlet , somewhere to go when i don't feel like listening to & dealing with the drama. & it is ironic because my house & i (smh) are a lot of my friends' outlet. people come here to talk to me , to grieve , to stay & just get a lot off their chest. when is it my turn?? where do i go?? i tried to fake sleep today because i thought that would prevent leroy from coming into my room yelling at the top of his fucking lungs about him&ma situation..YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!! fuck you telling me for. & i want to walk out but where am i going to go?? & i want to talk about it but can't call anyone. smh.

really feeling sooooo ugh...

something else that has been bothering me a little is how ma boyfriend is. he doesn't have to be my bestfriend or nothing but i don't understand why he is sooooo anti-social. it puts a strain on the household. i don't even feel right sitting in the same room as him&ma. & i want to chill w. her when she is home but he be having hissy fits whenever she do something that doesn't involve him. he is a GREAT father as i stated before but you family now..loosen up wtf. i miss my sister & i know somethings HAD to change but this to much. smh , home life s u c k s.

work was cool..training is always blahh , movies & paperwork & shit. i have to get up at eight tomorrow so i have no idea why i am up right now. guess i gotta get used to this again...

random : my jaw keeps locking!! this shit hurt. i was trying to eat my mcdonalds this afternoon & i could hardly open my mouth to get the food in & couldn't even chew =[ food makes me happy lol ...that was the first & last thing i ate all day..i'm full off of chocolate milk..through a straw smh. & i can't yell. yelling makes me even happier hehe.

yawning..gonna check my crops & knock out.

home is where the heart is , right??

fade into the background.

back to the couch tonight. tired. not in a very good mood. bitchy.

amani is here =D the best part of my day.

start work on thursday , woo ha.

blahhh.

wendy just said some real shit : "at some point , you just have to be your own bestfriend"
i concur.

i need to refocus my focus.
you'll see the difference.

if you can't respect that , your whole perspective is whack.
lets see if they love me when i fade to black.


o u t t i e.

amani <3

fuck this..

i ain't shit right now =[ the attitude is bonkers. not upset at anything , i just don't feel well. my ENTIRE body hurts & i have no clue why..i haven't been sleeping on the couch lately , haven't been doing anything strenuous..i just woke up like this. i'm coughing & sneezing but only at night w t f is that about?? & i'm some complete bullshit with food right now..i just ate some cereal (which i NEVER eat) a turkey sandwich accompanied by a hot pocket & now i'm snacking on milk & cookies w. a nutrigrain bar. i know that is od right smh & i'm ashamed to tell you what i ate before my nap. i was complaining to leroy about all this (whyyyy wrong person lol) a fathers' first instinct is pregnancy..now unless someone crept up on me with a turkey baster in the middle of the night , i am far from pregnant.say no more. even though i'm in a crappy mood i'm kinda enjoying leroys' company right now cuz i was lonely lmao

hold up...pissssssseedddddd since when doesn't sex&thecity come on channel 11 at midnight??

& lastly..why is it that i get no answer from you like i did something..did i miss something?
the only thing i thought i was missing was you.


i'm going to bed.

let me break it down
we living in a lonely world
i'm tired of the running around
i wanna be your only girl
baby can i be the one you call
when you’re tired of the lies
& the truth is all you wanna hear...
ONE MIND , ONE HEART , ONE LOVE


BABY HERE I AM.

before i lay me down to sleep , i think...

good day , had fun at wills' house as usual..they're very entertaining. BODAT! lmfao. i was somewhat 'blahh' though cuz i'm extremely tired , haven't been to sleep since saturday morning & it is monday morning fml. soooo...currently putting blueprint3 , ready & some other random songs on my iPhone so i can have something to listen to in the car tomorrow. also eating , which i have been doing non-stop since like thursday lol. anything i see i go in. yapping w. dg on aim.

speaking of dg...we had a nice little conversation this afternoon. even though she was umm kinda slizzed , she made some valid points lol. she was kinda telling me about myself like a old wine-o. basically if i don't go on a 'date' soon , very soon..she is going to kill me lol. i told her the guys that are pursuing me aren't my type. but according to 'relationshipologist' dr. miller (lmfao she gonna kill me) i should at least go out with someone once before i completely write them off. she believes i judge a book by its cover. i'm not saying she is wrong but ugh you know me. i agree w. her to some extent but these dudes that are hitting me up aren't catching my eye like that. & the common issue w. most is ego. ugh & i despise starting over lol i'm lazy. soooo until something alluring comes along i will continue to go on dates w. beans , dg & mnb & maintain the exhilarating relationship i have w. me , myself & i. blahhhh sounds like a blast right..mm hmm i know lol

btw..don't remember if stated this or not but jay-z album is good. heavy rotation along w. trey. gonna checkout raekwon new album later today.

i'm in love w. the idea of love. yeah i know i'm such a sucker for love ass nucca lol..but seriously..dg&mnb are on the yellow brick roads to relationships. they have some good dudes on their sides & after all they have been through w. guys...i'm happy to see them happy. i'm also glad to see ma , cel & mani living contently , he is ALWAYS around for his new family & you can't say that about a lot of fathers. there hasn't been a night or day that ma has been without him. he does his part & they seem happy. good stuff lol , i hope everything remains stable with everyone. i'll live vicariously through them while beans&i still hunt haha.


MTVs' VMAs' was good..kayne is a mess lol , i'm sure yall heard about his antics..ladygaga&pink are some bad bitches smh.


"feel like a weight has lifted , how can i repay you help me understand , currency ; a fistful of tears i can afford , fight of your life is not the cost , time will reveal all along you're the one who is losing..cause i go insane , crazy sometimes , trying to keep you from losing your mind , open yours eyes , see what's in front of your face , save me my fistful of tears..you can make it disappear boy , all you gotta do is raiseup , faceup , stayup , all things will heal , we'll feel it with a kiss from the skies , don't you let it go."

maxwell - fistful of tears... I LOVE IT!

don't come around tryna gas me up , i'm on E "/

'future' in you.

riding w. dg&mnb down s.o.ave , i'm tired so my mind is focused on just getting home..until i pass his house UGH there goes my focus. haven't been around there since. . . . . . .yeah it has been that long. now reminiscing is the lllaaasssssttttttt thing i'm trying to do. but i get to thinking. . .feelings come back. . .its not that i want you. . .i want what we had. damn we were good together. but after letting go of some resentment i can see that we are great apart. i know i don't answer your messages but i hope all is well.
NO LOVE LOST FROM THIS LOST LOVE.

even if a heart can't be broken..
it can be cracked but ima handle it like a G , & gmack =]


but you can't bring the 'future' back.

on these nights alone...

lil ol' me <3

ma&mani are at cels' house & leroy is on a 'date'
soooo...
i'm left alone with my thoughts..& yall know that is not a good combo =]

i'm farming on fb as usual..so addicting.
today was good , no complaints.
finally made it to the movies...
i saw tyler perrys' new movie 'i can do bad all by myself'
two thumbs up...cried a little lol

i'm looking for a place to go snowboarding , skiing , snowtubing , etc.
somewhere in nj or pa.
around my birthday sometime..
something different.
or paintballing.

sex w. my ex : i really need a guy to give me an explanation as to WHY do ex-boyfriends think they cannot be turned down for sex after a relationship has ended , like they're names are forever written all over you smh. & when females say no..we gotta get the "i can do it better , i can get it wetter , once mine always mine" speech. B L A H. tired of saying no..been there , done that.bye.

I MISS CAMZ!!
& when i miss camz..i miss mommy =[
not exactly sure where that connection comes from but it's there.
sigh...

you&i are going nowhere fast..wtf is the holdup?
got me feeling like i'm playing 'red light , green light'
keyword : playing
g a m e o v e r. . .

these aren't even half my thoughts...
but i need a snack & i'm deadtired.

it is 6am & i need a nap.
football&gamenight at wills' house in a lil while.
bodat lmao
get to see dg&mnb, yeah buddy =]

i'm a host of imperfection , can you see past all that??

underneath it all , there's an endless story...

i love to sleep & the refrigerator is my bestfriend. laugh for no reason & smile because i deserve to. i cry when i get frustrated & hate to be comforted. good at being bad but even better at being good. i look absolutely dumb in hats so i hate the winter. music is my sanity & dancing is therapy. i over-analyze situations often upsetting myself. know how to forgive but i can't forget. i compare bacon to oxygen & try to eat some everyday. terrified of horror films but i love romantic comedies. i acknowledge my flaws & believe that is perfection. lives for basketball season & wishes baseball would be done away with. eager to grow up but i wanna be young at heart forever. can cook a nice meal although fast food frequently calls my name. believes loving & losing is better than never loving. i don't think i'm beautiful but i love me some me. very impatient but i'll wait for anything worthwhile. i'm a homebody but by no means a party pooper. loves company but desperately needs 'me time' to restore myself. the epitome of a dweeb & cool because i want to be. i spend at least 15 mintues looking for the remote when it is in my hand & my glasses when they are on my face. would do anything for a friend & give my life for family. the meaner i am the more i adore you. can't tolerate staying in the mall for a long period of time therefore shopping is a difficult task. doesn't believe in forever because i don't know anyone who has been around that long.loves love but i don't think it loves me. frigging moody & lastly emotional beyond popular belief.

i understand i don't wear my heart on my sleeve for the world to see , but that doesn't translate into me not having any feelings. & this is often what people assume about me =[ ...lately it has been slightly irritating because when i try to express myself it goes unheard or unacknowledged & not to mention "non-believable" smh. i sometimes wonder am i that hard to read?? or even that hard-hearted. being known as 'mean' or 'evil' isn't the ideal emotion i want to put forth but i just don't know anymore. when i begin to open up , it all comes crashing down...
there is so much more to me then you could ever imagine..

one of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot utter...

back to basics..

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
..Marilyn Monroe..

OMG..this quote couldn't be anymore perfect at the moment.

(the devil wears prada hehe.)

anywho , i need to exercise patience & stop trying to read into e v e r y t h i n g* blahhhh...


wondering...i PROMISE i will never be able to comprehend why females are sooo damn vicious to one another smh. long story short..i had to go off on this woman in the mall today. just when i said i was gonna be nice =]


ugh college college college...sooo like last month i started looking into "furthering my education" (some more lol) it kind of sucks because i have to start from scratch when it comes to credits because my credits from KU will not be released to me. UGH! i was going to attend ECC beginning in the spring but of course i would have to pay out of county costs. & being that i'm paying for this myself (hmph) i'm trying to do it the cheapest way possible lol until i can do otherwise. so i'm gonna go to HCCC blahh school is school at this point. it's cheaper & closer so i guess that works out better.

today i read someones facebook status that hit a soft spot:
"why do males do everything in their power to get to know you , but when you let them..they fall back completely" HA! fml as if i need reminders lol.

meanmuggn.

it has been a loooonnnnggggg day...blueprint3 til i knockout.

A WISE GIRL KISSES BUT DOESN'T LOVE , LISTENS BUT DOESN'T BELIEVE , AND LEAVES BEFORE SHE IS LEFT...

back in one piece..

it has been sooo long...i don't even know where to begin. i have so much on my mind & so much in my heart...didn't realize how "refreshing" this was until i stopped doing it lol

FIRST&FOREMOST : I'M AN AUNTIE!!
august5.2009 , 8:56am , 6lbs.11oz , 19.5in.
amani yvonne berry.
i swear i have never been in love like this before...you would think she was mine haha. but she is such a cutie. having her around required a lot of adjusting (waking up to crying , sleeping on the couch , etc.) lol but all that doesn't even matter when i hold her.damn i love that little girl , can't wait til ahw gets a lil older.

very random but iLOVE skinny ties on guys lol..

anywho , i have NO phone guys!! my iPhone officially gave up on me. first it was just turned off , now it won't even friggin charge!! sooo RIP to my iPhone =[ didn't even make it a year. something new coming soon. but it's cool cuz i was getting very annoyed with the pointless texts&calls i was getting. i'm tired of guys commenting & criticizing me about me being a stranger lately. but when they contact me to play catch up all i get is a 'how you been' & then the conversations head straight for the topic of sex. this is why i became a stranger in the first place , how many different ways can i say no? the number of guy friends i have has dropped significantly lol cool by me. but yeah..no phone , now i can't be found =] just how i like it.


still on the job hunt.......i know right RIDICULOUS , don't even wanna discuss it. moving right along...


sometimes i feel like trusting someone is an impossible task for me. i don't want the past to deter me from putting that much confidence in a person , but people just ain't worth their weight in gold anymore.

when it comes to you...i imagine myself walking up to a door with caution tape all over. it is clear that i have no business opening the door but curiosity is a killer & temptation is a bitch. i like you but everything is saying don't. some say "no risk , no reward" but dammit i'm damaged lol do i really have time for risk?? it would put my mind at ease if i had some type of understanding or clarity when it comes to you. ugh unsolved mysteries. but quite frankly i don't know how much longer i'm willing to take this risk , cuz when i catch feelings while being unsure there is a problem. i miss you (phobia) & i despise this feeling. someone fucking shoot me now.


craving a salad from johnny rockets!! didn't get it tonight but i made fried chicken & a cake lol just as good.

Y A W N..time for bed..dammit i wanna cuddleup next to someone & i miss myMANI already =[

<3

VENUS VERSUS MARS.