throwback.

trouble sleeping "( lately i can't sleep through the night to save my life. before it was i couldn't sleep at all. now i can sleep but only for like two hours at a time. aggravating.

anywho..
one of my biggest pet peeves is people who text me for no apparent reason. if you have nothing to talk about , why contact me? i also feel like cell phones have become the enemy. remember the days where people used to TALK ON THE PHONE or even in person. i miss them. now text messages have taken over the world lol. sometimes i wish i could go back to the 'house phone days'. if people still talked on the phone i probably wouldn't get these dumb pointless text messages. smh. its like jetsons vs. flinstones.


looking for a movie to watch..i am such a sucker for love , well on tv or in movies lol not real life. i just love movies with cute endings and lessons in love.

i want to see transformers like right now!!

can you do me a favor?? make it sooner than later..

can we kiss?

first and foremost...

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!! to all the daddies and single mommies out there. padre's gift has been waiting for him on his bed since 9pm last night but he still hasn't returned yet lol

sunday morning tv sucks. i'm beyond bored. slightly hungry. and very lonely. i need to get out the house today or have some company. if not i guess i'll just be washing my hair and whatnot "(

i'm a very modest person , i don't need a whole convoluted lifestyle. i just need my friends , family and significant other to be down for me and vice versa. i'm perfectly fine staying home and playing 360 or going to the movies , out to eat or to the club. either way when i do it , i like to be chill. i've kind of learned the more you broadcast things the faster they mess up. and when it comes to relationships all i need is some time and attention and i'm good ") now don't get it twisted simple does NOT translate into boring.

'just a simple girl
i need a simple man
ain't gotta put no extra on it
i'm on that simple plan'
[ron browz , keri hilson & juelz santana - simple]

so come on lets KISS , Keep It Simple Sweety


i'm watching 'real housewives of new jersey' for the first time , iLike. didn't think i would.

bout to whip up some breakfast. hasta luego.


i must take baby steps til i'm full grown.

broken-hearted girl.

just realized i had no pics of ma's belly or my niece , how could i??

& look amani is waving at you , don't be rude wave back.

yesterday i did the most bizarre thing ever. i was sitting on the lightrail & just started crying. like tears flowing with the ugly face , sound effects & all. in my head i'm what the hell nikki stop but i couldn't. it was just one of those days where everything was getting to me , but for me to get that emotional [especially on public transportation] is very odd & rare. i'm very fortunate & grateful for everything i do have because anything that i need i have. but i just feel like so much is going wrong & i can't control it or fix it. im trying , really trying to get my life back on track. i try not to let the negative take to much of a toll on me but i put my heart into a lot of things i do or people & sometimes things go wrong or i get let down. whether it be relationships , school or work. it causes my heart to slowly chip , crack & eventually break. & with everything that has happen in the past couple of years i have become. . .the broken-hearted girl.

'theres always gonna be another mountain
i'm always gonna want to make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
& sometimes i'm gonna have to lose'

i need for something to go right before i lose my damn mind. i might have already lost it since i'm quoting miley cyrus now smh.

my mind is so cluttered right now , i don't even remember what i wanted to say next smh. so i guess this is where it gets random lol.

• so umm camz babyshower is in like 3 weeks i'm super hella excited. she's nervous about giving birth & i'm nervous for her. doesn't look easy lol ...i just want my niece. thats the biggest thing in my itty bitty world right now.
• think my interview went well. i have my fingers crossed , so you cross yours too ;] say a little prayer for me.
• school has been on my mind heavy lately. i really want & need to go back. by any means necessary , don't care if its like three credits at a time.
• oh yes , rest in peace to my poor laptop. my clumsy ass tripped & it fell out of my hand. cracked the screen up. sound familiar?? so now my iPhone & laptop that i've had for like a year have cracked screens. is my tv next?? i need a cure for clumsiness. FML.
• oh em gee , all this rain is killing me softly.

and then it comes to me , like an epiphany. i remember what i wanted to say...
he asked me 'was i a good girlfriend' ...that one little question brought back soooo many thoughts & memories , it doesn't even make any sense. i asked ness her opinion , hmph why did i do that?? this broad said i'm angry & complicated , i was so appalled lol. ANGRY?? NO!!! only if you take me there. complicated , maybe. but i feel like there is a better word for it. according to rina that better word is 'bi-polar' ugh. what the fuck ever hehe i don't know why i ask them anything.
...but in all seriousness , i honestly whole-heartedly believe i was a good girlfriend. not saying i was perfect [perfectionsBIGGESTskeptic =D] because i know my flaws & recognize where i went wrong. in my opinion i was supportive & very loyal. yeah i could be complicated but isn't everyone is to some extent when dealing with 'complex' feelings [&complex assholes]. if there is anything i could do for a person i would. & this goes for all my relationships whether it be family , friends etc. i just don't think i gave my time & effort to someone who deserved or appreciated it. ness says i'm the type to 'ride until the wheels fall off' i just believe in exhausting all options before giving up on something your trying to build [except for in extreme situations of course] in closing haha , i'm a good girl with good girlfriend qualities i just need to find a 'him' to invest those qualities in. take that ness&rina =P


i just realized i'm like extra hella silly but i can't control it.

anywho , i'm all cheered up. no more tears. it will all get better in time & i will smile because i deserve to. i just need to stop getting trapped in my memories.

never say never , but don't always say forever.

to be or not to be?

we're friggin incredible**



update...my 'trash' is currently on the curb , waiting to be taken away. thanks for the memories

anywho. . .

today was so chill i loved it. watched a lot of tv with ma&ness then nick came through. love him he is HILARIOUS. the best part ..ness&i tried to remake beyonces' ego video for you. TOOOOO FUNNY. the most fun i've had in a long time. but umm we never finished haha we ended up doing random dumb dances to lady gaga lovegame [btw i friggin love her now] i'll post it when i switch laptops =]

hmmm , i'm slightly upset i have to take my red hair out for this interview. i mean i don't HAVE to but i think i should. when i get home im gonna put it right back in lol.


stole this from yatie : to get something you've never had , you have to do something you never did.

i feel this is so relevant to what i previously posted about aggression. there are many things i don't approach as aggressively as i need to. & being timid sometimes allows things to slip through my fingers. being unsure of whats going to happen is my excuse , LAME!! i need to step up are start taking what i want & i know just where to start =]

so in conclusion , to be or not to be aggressive?? HA!


ok i gotta go , i need some iced tea.




don't let me get me , I CAN BE MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

cleaning out my closet.

closets are the worst!! thats where i throw everything i don't want to deal with at the moment. or my storage for things i don't want to get rid of. i recently cleaned my whole room including my closet so everything is neat. i left necessary items in my closet like blankets , pillows & i put in a small dresser thingy. i ALSO found some old letters , pictures & other memorabilia from my highschool relationship so i thought to myself 'awww this is soooo cute i wanna keep it'

BLAH!! ..so sunday night i was getting some old shoe boxes so i can throw them in the recyclables [i never knew if that was a real word but i always use it] & i saw all this old stuff. & i'm like why do i still have it. i'm soooo over it so why keep it not trying to sound bitter or anything but i really don't see a reason to have all these old memories in my closet. i dont have anything from any other relationship. this is another way to keep the past out of my present or future. don't get me wrong we are still friends but all those moments & memories we can't get back aren't needed.


soooo..tonight the garbage goes out & this shit MUST go with it =] & i've officially finished cleaning out my closet in all aspects. i'm loving the feeling of a fresh start.


in other news. . .
i have an interview thursday afternoon , wish me luck. i'm praying on this because the boredom of not having a job is killing me. i need something to occupy all this spare time.
what else , what else??
things seem odd & strained in another area of my life but i'm not going address it because i think this is just me thinking to much. as usual. sometimes i think i'm not aggressive enough when it comes to this.


starvation is getting the best of me. b b l.





finding forever.

sweet dream or beautiful nightmare. . .

eating some strange looking dinner with rina , ness & shalini. laughing & carrying on as usual. my phone rings , its mommy. almost wasn't going to answer but , ITS TIME ITS TIME!!!! camz is finally in labor , a week overdue. we pay , run outta there to go hop on the train. miss the first , the second is overly crowded so we hop on the third. rina drives us to the biggest hospital i've ever seen in my life , finding parking is hell. we get inside & can't find a damn thing in this humongous hospital. after about 15 minutes of walking in circles we find my family & camz room. i hear a whole bunch of 'awws' & 'oohs' so i'm assuming we missed labor & birth. i walk in the room & see camz looking exhausted & marcel rubbing her head. mommy is in the corner sitting down holding our new edition. 'ITS A BOY' she says. & just like when camz was born he has no name as of yet lol. i gave mommy a kiss & placed my hand on her shoulder. we talked for about 15 minutes about camz & labor , she made jokes & i laughed. mommy gave the baby back to marcel & we decided to head downstairs to grab something to eat. i'm running my mouth the whole way to the elevator & mommy interupts me & just says 'i love you' i reach out for a hug..



..i hear leroy asking me if i'm awake. FUCK!! i wanted to say yeah but i wish i wasn't. it's 546am & i swear i felt like crying , but i held it in. i hate dreams about mommy that feel sooooo real cause it hurts so bad.



'i just wanna be numb
i don't wanna feel a thing
i don't want reality..actually
reality stinks'







...either way i don't want to wake up from this.

& i wonder if i'll find out how it was supposed to be.

( homealone , hate it. ]

i want to drink my bacardi dragonberry that padre bought me , but i feel like drinking by myself is the first step to alcoholism. sooo it shall sit there until i see ness&beans.

just had a little 'whatif' session , guess it was the lonliness. but i couldn't stop myself from wondering about a lot of things & how different my life would be. it'd be nice to bring back those who were taken from me , but i guess god works in mysterious ways right?? & everything happens for a reason right?? all that sounds nice & i know your not supposed to question certain things but i'm kind of full of resentment ...missuma*

'16&pregnant' : new reality show on mtv , iLike.

today was cool , spent it with thefam ..'leroy' sipped some wine in the afternoon then we went to the mall so he was a little 'loose' all day. omg it was hilarious , he's so cool sometimes. well the majority of the time lol

mipadre*

btw hangover was HILARIOUS.

thinking of a masterplan , nah i'm lying shawty on my mind ")

NEGRIL.

still in a goodmood ..phoning w. ness ..deadtired

hung out in the village tonight , really enjoyed myself ..i got in touch with my bajan side & ate a place called negrilvillage. great caribbean food , can't wait to go back [hopefully w. a date hehe] i loved the atmosphere but then again i love the atmosphere of the village in general.

twentyONE can't come fast enough ..to bad i'm not even twenty yet ::sigh::

today was loooonnnggg , couldn't think straight to save my life but yet i thought of him all day.

tooo braindead to type , night.

i'd love to rock with you.

breakthrough.

just getting in ..stuffed & happy , just how i like it. tonight was great =] ..aydins was cool even though ness was missing [i just love my rinabean , tooofunny] & i just came in from breakfast , but i'll get to that in a sec ;]

hair update [hehe] ..so i changed it again. but i love LOVE l o v e it lol. i was kinda inspired by 'kay' from 'collegehill' , would be nice if i could dye it. & i'm so proud i didn't sweat it out at the club =]

myintervention.

so i did some consulting with my honeys & we came to the conclusion that its time for nik to get back in the 'dating game' ..i feel nervous like i've never been out with a guy before , not cool. i've noticed i'm pretty closed off lately [especially with him] i need to get rid of the 'whats gonna go wrong' mentality , but i can't help but to wonder. i have , what we call , sns / scary nigga syndrome lmao ..i'm working on it though , i can't let the past have complete control of my future. soooo i've made some breakthroughs & let loose a little hehe , not sure what else my heart can take but i guess i'll find out.

ugh i'm ready for my niece , ma is huge. can't wait.

he is. . .toooo much & i like it.

i really enjoyed myself , don't even really know what else to say. he made my night. love his eyes. best breakfast in a while.

aaahhhhh , i have hiccups.

still jobhunting smh. finding a job has never been this hard for me , beyond aggitated.

thought i was going to bed but nope , out for padre ..laterdays.

theres one place you can touch me that will drive me crazy , MYHEART.

where did she go??

NOWHERE!! lol ..i've just been missing in action , mainly doing a lot of sleeping&cleaning. sad right?? hehe

currently : i'm supposed to be taking my daddy to the emergency room , no worries nothing serious ..he just hurt his foot running , he can wait =]

on my mind : food ugh I'M STARVING ..but i don't know what i want soooo i'll ease my hunger pains in a moment.

nikki lately

BORING!!! ..i still need a job like asap , i'm bored with being home. it's getting to the point where i'm not even interested for the money just the entertainment lol. what else? ..i permed mi pelo. i know i know, i'm supposed to be doing the natural thing but after i took those braids out [that i had in for two months] i couldn't take it , it would have been tooooo much upkeep & it would have broken off. i need to keep it braided , so i'll get back to the natural thing when i get a job lol. but as of right now it's short again with a little red in it spicy hehe i'll just post a pic.

randomthought : i like that new show 'kendra' that comes on E! , kind of funny.

..camz left me saturday night & all day sunday , it's crazy because i missed her & the belly terribly. mentioned this because soon she won't be here at all anymore , she'll be with her family [cel&amani=D] & i've never really had to live without her. kinda makes me sad ='[ other then leroy [blah hehe] she's all i have , brings a tear to my eye. but hey she has to do her own thing right?? i hope we're just growing up & not growing apart.

aahhh thee love rollercoaster... blah , right about now it's a kiddiecoaster =[ realized there is no need to bring those from the past into my present because they will get in the way of my future ..so with that being said some 'friends' have been X'd , which resulted in a couple of angry texts hehe but what can i do?? time to let go ..i do have someone i'm interested in shhh!!! but i won't speak on that to heavily until i see wasup with it =]

anywho , my final thought is : a trip to the beach is well needed lol






TIMING IS EVERYTHING.